Sometimes you may be requested to host a young inlaw in the city as they attend college. Sometimes you’re even the ones paying their fees and you may not have enough money to get them a house on their own.
Or, more often, your partner doesn’t allow discussion about it. They just bring over their sibling in the spirit of ‘this is family, this is our duty and we just have to do it.’
You cannot oppose directly because the subject of inlaws is always sensitive. You don’t want to appear rejecting of their family but you also know coexisting under the same roof with them is always a huge risk.
They may be nice or they may be nasty but the clonesness alone is enough to create friction.
This is the problem with youngsters in particular: they can quickly develop attitudes and resistance because of their naivety about life. They also feel like they’re more ‘strongly’ related to your partner since they’re blood, and so you ‘have no moral authority to order them around.’
If you’re the lady and you bring your younger sister she might even seduce your man to prove that ‘she is also a woman.’
Youngsters can behave like terrorists because they have nothing to lose. They can blow everything up and ‘come what may.’ They haven’t built anything in life so far which would make them behave carefully to preserve it.
And they’re dangerously shortsighted about the consequences of their actions and the future.
Yet when someone comes under your roof they must follow the rules of the house. How you take meals, standards of cleanliness, family times and fellowship, the kind of music and content allowed there, the language and tone of communication permitted, how groceries and other consumables are used, what time people must be back home, rules about bringing visitors and friends, on and on.
These issues are very important for you because they embody the values you embody as a family.
But now how do you instill such values to someone who grew up without them or who despises authority and order? Or they have some vices which are very hard to manage, like overeating and wasteful use of foodstuffs which disorganizes your budget, poor hygiene, coarse language, dirty music, sneaking their friends in when you’re away or them sneaking out at night, money disappearing in the house, or them isolating themselves during family times.
If one person is breaking those rules now you cannot enforce them on your own children because someone is challenging your authority.
My advice is to NEVER host inlaws in your house for a long time especially when your children are still young.
They can spend over for a day or two while transitioning from home to college and back. When you’re the sibling there’s a side to them you cannot see because they’re careful around you but be sure they can instill ideas in your children that you’ll never pluck out.
Most children are introduced to dirty content by these kinds of visiting relatives. Dirty movies, pornographic content, etc.
If your partner attempts to bypass discussions about such a move and bring over their relatives be firm and resist at once. You have a duty to protect the environment at home and if you have no say in your own house, where else do you have a say?
Written by Benjamin Zulu. A Counseling Psychologist, Conference Speaker, and Life Coach
