When you challenge some people to change or even when you’re forced to break up with them, they’ll insist it’s because you have someone else. Even if they have absolutely no reason to accuse you so.
There’s no inkling of evidence or a shred of proof, but they insist on it vehemently and it can get very frustrating for you, and you can hesitate to leave so that you don’t ‘confirm’ the accusation.
But the psychology they’re playing here is incredibly simple: they’re deflecting blame from themselves. It cannot be that they caused the breakup. Better to say that it was your fault because you left them for someone else.
This is less injurious to their fragile ego, and it makes you the bad one. The unfaithful one.
Remember this principle next time you meet someone whose exes ‘left them for someone else,’ all of them. It’s a favourite escape tactic for those who cannot take responsibility for their own failures.
Once more, only people who are committed to growth can accept blame. Because they have something useful to do with failure: use it as learning material to do better next time around. But a person who despises self-improvement, if they accept that they fell short, what will they do with such an admission? It will be nothing but an unbearable condemnation.
So never expect defensive people to accept challenges and corrections. They have no capacity to contain it. So instead of lingering or staying on because someone is accusing you whenever you challenge their behaviour, that refusal to accept their responsibility is enough to leave them at once. Do not argue or try to ‘square issues’ with them. You’re on very different paths and you can never win.
You’re committed to growth and self-reflection, and they’re not. Their aim in every argument is to win and appear perfect while your aim is to learn and get better. You’re not on the same page.
